You Might Be a Drug Addict If…

the author in her active addiction

This is going to be a straight list because well, these things really need no explanation, just sayin’. Here’s something fun to do: guess what substance or substances are involved with each.

So, without further ado –

You Might Be a Drug Addict If…

You spent nights sleeping in the trunk of your car while parked in your own driveway because you were too paranoid to open the car doors

You think everyone is staring at you (in an empty room)

You have moved the furniture to find the rocks on the floor in the carpet….and maaaaybe have eaten a couple pieces of lint/deodorant/ceiling plaster to be sure

You haven’t seen the sun in over 3 days or you put blankets and pillows over windows to block out the sun

You hear there’s a deadly batch of heroin going around and your first thought is: I want some

You know what those little flowers encased in glass that they sell at gas stations are for

You find yourself handcuffed in an ambulance after chasing your family down the street with a knife in nothing but your undies after being up for five days

You don’t have diabetes but you know how to ask for diabetic syringes, including name brand of insulin and dosage so that you can convince the pharmacist to sell them to you

You know what chore boy is really for

You can drive and do lines off a DVD case at the same time

You can drive and shoot up at the same time

Sock, soup spoon, cotton ball = tie off, works, filter

“Blastoff” has nothing to do with NASA

You have at least one pair of pants/shorts with burn holes from nodding out with a lit cigarette

You’re convinced your drug dealer is hosting an intervention for you at his house because of the voices you hear coming through the air vents and after 5 hours of arguing with him about how much of a hypocrite he is, you try to jump out of the second story window to run

You pick at your face in the bathroom mirror for hours on end

The bottom of every lighter is smudged black, and the top is heat temper blue

You want to study botany so you can grow weed – “it’s medicinal man”

You nod out at the dinner table and face plant in your mashed potatoes/soup/whatever and blame it on being really, really tired

The people you use with tell you that you need to “cut back” or “chill out”

You have a couple glasses of wine and suddenly end up in the middle of a field shooting cocaine

You have to wear long sleeves in the summertime, in south Florida

“Self-medication” makes more sense to you than seeing a doctor

You have resorted to drinking aftershave, cologne, perfume, or vanilla extract. Possibly hand sanitizer

You know that the Lemon/Lime extract has a higher alcohol content than vanilla extract

You purposely injure yourself just so you can get pain meds at the ER and/or purposely re-injure yourself to get more

You have a whole box of needles (100-count)…that you drive around with underneath the seat in your car (you can never have too many fresh needles)

Your financial budget has a space for drugs/alcohol and drugs/alcohol are the last to be cut from your budget, wait, what’s a financial budget? You forgot about your budget because of drugs

Actually, financial budget = other people’s wallets that you happen to “find”

You regularly scrape and smoke resin

You know your grinder has exactly one bowl of powder and crystals once you run out

You have more than one “secret spot” that you’ve forgotten about, where you left a small stash

Your grandmother hides your drugs and you hide your grandmother’s alcohol and no one brings it up

You think cutting your cat’s toenails after drinking a bottle of scotch is a good idea

You’ve thought about naming and/or have named your pets anything drug-related

The outgoing message on your phone when you were 15 was audio of you doing a bong rip

You know the pawn shop owners by name and they own half of your stuff

No worries, folks, there will be more of these to come in future installments. I crowd-sourced my friends for ideas and the response was, let’s say, greater than I expected. I have some more solid gold stuff in reserves. So, stay tuned for more.

If you or a loved one is a drug addict, suffers from substance abuse or addiction please call toll-free 1-800-951-6135