Dug and Heidi McGuirk Answer “How do I know I’m Enabling?”
Enabling is a highly dangerous behavior that often discourages addicts from seeking treatment. Yet many loved ones of addicts struggle with enabling because they do not understand the consequences of their actions.
In a recent video, Dug and Heidi McGuirk, who run the Revolutionary Family program for Palm Healthcare, addressed the crucial topic of enabling. Often loved ones are in denial of their enabling behaviors or are unaware of how damaging enabling is.
Two of the most common questions they receive from loved ones of addicts are:
- How do I know if I’m enabling?
- What exactly IS enabling?
Dug and Heidi explain there are two barometers to determine whether or not you are enabling. First, you must decide the motivation behind your actions. This will help you understand why you are doing what you are doing. Next, you must determine whether your actions are a product of wanting control over the situation.
“You can’t control anybody,” Dug McGuirk says. “You can only control yourself.”
Furthermore, if you are doing the following things, you are enabling:
- Manipulating an outcome
- Trying to “keep the peace”
- Attempting to change someone
- Trying to prevent a consequence
- Trying to rescue or bail out
You must commit to stopping your enabling behaviors because ultimately, enabling causes more harm than healing when it comes to helping your addicted loved one.
“The lie we tell ourselves is that if we don’t do what we are doing, our loved ones will die,” Heidi McGuirk says. “Of course, that’s the biggest lie of all. More people die from enabling behaviors than other stuff.”
In the discussion, Dug and Heidi explain the greatest roadblock enablers tackle is determining whether or not their actions comes from a place of love or a place of wanting control.
Most enablers believe their behaviors stem from a place of love. But this could not be further from the truth.
“Enabling is the most unloving thing you can do,” Heidi McGuirk reiterates.
“Without pissing anybody off here, enabling is selfishly motivated, and it’s not about the other person,” Dug McGuirk says.
Instead of love, enabling is more about:
So how does one stop enabling?
First, you must make the decision to stop, Dug McGuirk affirms.
Next, frame your decisions around two barometers. Before taking any action, acquire an awareness of your behaviors by reflecting on the following questions.
- Are you doing what you believe in?
- What is your motivation?
“You don’t have any control over how someone operates or who they are, but you have control over how you experience them,” Heidi McGuirk says.
After you are aware of your current behaviors, the next step is to make decisions based on what is best for you, not your loved one:
“Once you have that awareness, now you can start making a better decision so step two would be to figure out what you want for you, not for your loved one, [but] for you,” Dug McGuirk states. “What is it that you want to experience? […] Because if someone in your family is struggling with addiction, they’re always going to have that malady, so the question is how are you going to go through it?”
When it comes to helping a loved one struggling with addiction, set boundaries by asking:
- How do you want to participate in their addiction?
- What are you willing to be around for?
- What are you not willing to be around for?
- How are you going to experience their addiction?
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In the next discussion, Dug and Heidi McGuirk delve deeper into the steps loved ones should take to create clear boundaries. Stay tuned for next week’s post where we will explore the topic of creating boundaries further. You can also download our checklist to determine whether you are helping or hurting a loved one with an addiction problem.
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Author: Justin Mckibben
Probably one of the most disturbing articles I have written about my home state of Ohio is one I can’t ignore. Since the photo of the two parents overdose in a car with a child in the back seat first broke it has been covered by pretty much every national news entity. The images have flooded Facebook feeds and internet forums all day. The story has been emailed to me, messaged to me, even texted to me over and over again since the news was first published. Honestly, this image says a lot about what is really going on.
I’ve heard some people insisting the media is on some mission to shock us with these photos and the headlines it’s attached to, but this is the reality! People need to wake up! This is happening in every town, not just the City of East Liverpool, Ohio. This very same situation is reoccurring in rural counties and downtown areas across the nation. Something needs to change, and like I keep saying- we need to change it.
The difference here is that police officers decided to make a statement with the severity of this graphic picture; to tell the story that is happening to families everywhere with one heartbreaking and gut-wrenching hit to the soft spot of our society.
This is what we are doing to our children.
Not a Pretty Picture
The City of East Liverpool, Ohio took to Facebook to share two graphic photos taken by a police officer at the scene of a stop. The post on social media does note that making the photos public was a combined decision by the city administration, law director, and the police department.
In the image we can clearly see a couple that authorities described as overdosing on drugs in the front seat of a car. The mother’s body is hunched and folded over the center console in the front seat of the vehicle. Her face seems shrunken in and dead. The husband is buckled into the front seat, and has nodded out.
The photo is almost abstract. Like two images that obviously don’t belong have been pasted together. The parents in the front seat look as if any sign of color has been drained out of them- it is all so depressing it feels faded and lifeless… then right behind them, in a blue and green t-shirt with cartoon dinosaurs, sitting in what appears to be a car seat, is a 4 year old child. It is an unreal reality… a tragic and despairing truth.
The post that accompanied the pictures powerfully states:
“We feel it necessary to show the other side of this horrible drug. We feel we need to be a voice for the children caught up in this horrible mess. This child can’t speak for himself but we are hopeful his story can convince another user to think twice about injecting this poison while having a child in their custody.”
So far this post is being both praised and criticized. At one point it had been shared on Facebook more than 12,000 times, and that was a few hours ago. By now that number has undoubtedly skyrocketed.
The Police Report
The police report detailing this story is also posted on Facebook. In the report East Liverpool police officer Kevin Thompson reviewed that on September 7 he was responding to a report of a Ford Explorer with a West Virginia license plate “driving very erratic weaving back and forth” before an abrupt stop in the middle of the road behind a school bus in the process of letting children off. Inside the vehicle the officer found two adults:
The driver, identified as James Acord, was speaking unintelligibly. Acord’s head was bobbing up and down, and eventually became unconscious during the stop. But before passing out Acord told the officer he was taking his front seat passenger to the hospital. The officer had to remove the keys from the vehicle as Acord made a last attempt to drive away.
The passenger, identified as Rhonda Pasek, was completely unconscious and “turning blue” according to Thompson.
Inside the car, police found a “yellow folded up piece of paper” between Pasek’s legs. Inside the paper officers discovered a “small amount of a pink powdery substance.”
Then there is the piece of this picture that has the country in an uproar- the little boy in the backseat. The child is now identified as Pasek’s son.
Thompson called for an ambulance and the emergency personnel. Once emergency services arrived they were able to administer the opiate overdose antidote, Narcan to both adults. After regaining consciousness Acord and Pasek were transported to East Liverpool Hospital.
Acord was eventually charged with
He plead no contest and was sentenced to 180 days in jail for two of those charges, but the stopping in a roadway charge was dropped. He will also have a 3 year suspension on his license and a $475 fine.
Pasek was charged with:
- Endangering children
- Public intoxication
- Not wearing a seatbelt
She plead not guilty and is held on $150,000 bond until her next court date, which is next Thursday.
At this time the 4 year old child is with Columbiana County Children’s Services.
This picture is not pretty to look at. It brings an ache to my chest and a sting to my eyes. I could cry for this child, and for his family. For the millions of people out there today with family who are doing the same thing to themselves and their children. The driver could have killed them all in a freak accident. Now… imagine the horror if he would have nodded out at the wheel and struck that school bus as it let kids off! How many more children could have been hurt?
What We Need to See
Some are outraged at the lack of privacy for the family. Many have insisted it is wrong to punish the two adults AND the child with a life haunted by this photo. I get it, and I’m an advocate for compassion instead of stigma and exploitation. It is truly troubling to know how harshly people will be judged by the images of them found online. Yet, I think things like this are what we need to see sometimes. It is a fine line to walk, but in the end there is a reality to the image that only something so intimate could convey- this is what we need to see.
What we need to see is how this epidemic is destroying the thing that most of us hold sacred- our families. While many people are upset about the images, I understand the local officials motives. The Facebook post confronts this controversy head-on:
“We are well aware that some may be offended by these images and for that we are truly sorry, but it is time that the non drug using public sees what we are now dealing with on a daily basis. The poison known as heroin has taken a strong grip on many communities not just ours, the difference is we are willing to fight this problem until it’s gone and if that means we offend a few people along the way we are prepared to deal with that,”
We the addicts need to see this the dark and brutal truth. The sad and comatose body of an addicted mother dying only a few inches away from her child who is barely old enough to walk and talk on his own! We all need to see the truth of this disease. It is killing us, and it is putting everyone around us at risk- especially the ones we love most. We need to see the children and the communities we are hurting. This is the face of addiction as we often refuse to acknowledge it.
Addiction is killing our families every day. But there is help. Real recovery begins with a real foundation for a better future. We would like to offer you the FREE GIFT of a checklist to help decipher if you are helping or hurting a loved one who is struggling with addiction.
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If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please call now. You are not alone.
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Author: Shernide Delva
While driving home from work, I did my regular routine of tuning to The Howard Stern Show on my car radio on and was pleasantly surprised to hear Kevin Hart doing an interview. Being a fan of Hart, I was excited yet I did not know what to expect. While I love Hart as a comedian, I never really took the time to learn about who he was as a person.
Kevin Hart is probably one of the hardest working comedians in the business right now. He tours regularly around the country and has released several hit comedy movies. He stopped by on The Howard Stern Show Tuesday to discuss his new movie Ride Along 2.
During the interview, Hart was open and intimate about his personal life with Stern. He revealed the hardships he faced throughout his life growing up both in childhood and in his career. Hart was positive and humbled by his life experiences and feel they have helped make him who he is today.
Hart grew up with a drug addicted father who was far from the supportive loving father his mother had hoped for. His father suffered a long battle with drug addiction and dabbled in serious drugs like heroin, crack, and coke and anything else he could get his hands on. Hart even mentioned a childhood incident where his father stole $20 from a birthday card that was given to him as a present. Although his father did the best he could when Hart was a young child, eventually as Hart got older, his father’s addiction spiraled out of control:
“From ages two through eight, my dad did what he could before his addiction got out of hand … heroin, coke, crack, you name it, if you could put it somewhere, it went there,” Hart said.
Despite his upbringing, Hart believes that his father’s addiction along with the hardships he faced in his career helped make him the person he is today.
“Things happen for a reason. If my dad had been around and didn’t do drugs, I may be handling my success differently. I may be on drugs I may be searching for something. The way I look at it now, I’m such a great father because I don’t want to make the mistakes that my dad made, “ Hart continued.
These days, Hart’s father is sober. With the help of his older brother Robert, Hart helped his dad get on the road to recovery by sending him to rehab. Now, Hart has a very close relationship with his father and he does not hold a grudge about the bad choices his father made in the past. Hart even mentioned buying his father a home and helping him financially so he would not have that burden anymore.
Most of all, Hart says he owes his strength and belief system to his mom. His mother was the one who held the family together while his family fought addiction and was in and out of jail. He was also taught the importance of education from his mother who worked at the University of Pennsylvania.
One of the stories that stood out to me is when Hart talked about how he was struggling to make rent on his apartment at one point. He had asked his mother for help and she told him to read his bible. Hart did not listen to his mom until one day an eviction notice was posted on his door. Hart, out of desperation, finally decided to turn to the bible for hope.
“I go home and say, ‘Man let me open this Bible up,'” Hart explained. “Open the Bible up, six rent checks fell out. She put all my rent checks in the Bible.”
After that moment, Hart became committed to reading the scriptures on a regular basis. That story alone emphasizes how much of an influence his mother had on his life. Unfortunately, Hart’s mother died in 2007, just when Hart’s career was gaining huge momentum.
Nowadays, Hart describes himself as a “happy guy” and wanted to make sure his fans know that the positive person he appears to be really is a part of who he is. He assured that he was not one of those dark depressing comedians who use comedy as a coping mechanism. Hart believes that finding a positive in every negative is the only way to survive.
“I don’t understand people who hold grudges,” Hart said. “Do you know how much time and energy it takes to hold a grudge?”
Hart’s interview was full of lessons that would be beneficial for anyone in recovery or just facing a challenge in general. He uses his spirituality, fitness, and optimism to overcome his challenges. Although Hart has made his own mistakes, he knows how to look forward to the future instead of dwelling on the past.
Do you apply any of Kevin Hart’s life principles in your recovery from addiction? Perhaps it is time to let go of past grudges and instead become a more positive driven person who strives for success. If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please call toll-free 1-800-951-6135.